Where in the world did Alex W. go?

The Slump

Things were going pretty well heading toward the end of April. Then a co-worker passed away, and letting the stress at work get to me ended up pushing me into a depression. I usually struggle more in the winter, but adding church and focusing on others during Lent helped me avoid the typical issues. My depression kneecapped my commuting to work this summer, not helped by the weird weather and constant high wind. It was hot and humid early this summer with loads of crazy wind.

My e-bike battery, even when charging at work, can't fully charge. Going home against the wind, combined with my current fitness level, weight, and gear, completely depletes the battery. In the near future, there are a couple of solutions. One is improving my fitness by riding an old, regular hybrid road bike I bought decades ago. I got it running, but woah, I'm super out of shape. Improving my health on the weekend to train myself will hopefully help me with the e-bike. Perhaps I can blend battery power and manual pedaling better in the future. The second thing is there are awesome, beefier aftermarket batteries that I can save up for. A new battery should bank me enough extra juice to get home. In the long run, improving fitness and losing weight should make everything easier.

Social Burnout

I let the e-bike issues get me down, and then other stuff just compounded. It's been a tough rut to climb out of. I know not to beat myself up, but I still get down. I tried to distract myself by jumping into other things, but I'm just not designed to be around people that much, even when I think I'm doing okay. Just something about me being "too much" or other factors seems off-putting to others. It makes sharing things I'm passionate about, and getting any kind of rewarding feedback, a challenge.

These are some of the reasons why I have been gone, but mostly it's me letting depression drag me down. It really tears at you and makes you think you are a terrible person. Some stuff I know is my poor behavior and how my actions come across as strange to others. I try my best to fit in, but I don't think it will ever really happen. Just letting that go and not dwelling on it helps. I've tried getting out of my bubble and just being quiet when I would typically talk. It's a process, but I'm trying to improve. I feel like I've shaken off the depression a little, but it has definitely worn me down.

Looking for an Exit

One thing I've talked with my partner about is the future. For a long time, I just resigned myself to the idea that we'd be here in Oklahoma forever. We attempted some botched moves in the past, and my partner at the time wanted to avoid worrying about one more thing, so we let it go. Yet, we see a future maybe up north or in the Rust Belt area. We don't have a lot of assets or earn a lot, but the move and change shouldn't be super difficult to swing. There are services our kids need, especially now, or when the other one is an adult, that simply aren't being met here. The issue is that out here, we have to build and implement nearly everything ourselves.

The game shops that do TCG and TTRPG are in funks with their own challenges. It's not like you can just join a group or show up and play. They hit the same issues and face the same challenges to maintain it over time. It's something you can feel in the area. I'd like to say it's "rugged individualism," but I believe it's pretty intentional. In rural areas, some farmers are willing to chase everyone off to get cheap land and buildings. In the "cities," it's about control and some new classism that is developing out here. We used to be a small town and the divisions were muddier, but now there are growing divides and enclaves developing with strong opinions about who they think deserves anything.

Finding Peace in Simplicity

I've got like 30-something years left at most, if I'm lucky. Just knowing my daughter and son will be in an area with services to help them thrive is critical. Also, I'm ostracized somewhat now in a small area for being neurodivergent and not sharing similar political views, so losing a local network isn't a big factor. My dreams for a career of some major importance are gone, and I think I'm fine just going back to a factory or a regular day job with the city or utility company. There is no need for me to believe I need to help rebuild or improve membership at something like church. The future can just be me attending and driving home with my kids. This decision alone has improved my mood. I'm winding down the commitments that I personally put in my head as important, and realizing that it's fine to not always have the answer or a volunteer project to improve something.

I'm ready to just go back to what I escaped when I worked at a food processing plant. Back then, I wanted to learn and be at a job doing something important, but I never thought about the people who would be there. I was blessed getting to work in a small town with a job with a high amount of immigrants, working-class people who mirror my background, and the benefit of just being a body who is there to meet a simple quota. I popped my head up and thought having more time off would benefit me, as well as feed my appetite for learning and chatting about my interests, but it never did.

My health getting better is a process, and I've been working at the things that should help: the exercise bike in the den, the regular bike to push myself, and e-bike commuting. The lettuce and produce situation sucks, but maybe I can combine it with my grilling hobby and come out with healthy greens that won't cause worry.

I do enjoy the time with my family and that has been the true treasure, but they are growing up and need time to be them without a parent helicoptering them. Life is good and I know that, but I wish my mind and emotions could know that too, so I wouldn't get into these ruts.